I have always tried to be very positive while I write here (though as people close to me know that I am by nature Negative!) but the last few days haven’t been so good so forgive me if a little bit of noir creeps in.

As usual I went about my day peeping at the sea whenever possible. ( It is important to nurture a fledgling love!) But by the end of the day I was on the bed feeling ill and nauseous not caring whether the sea was there or not just wanting to go to sleep.

After popping a number of medicines I did fall asleep. My sleep peppered with dreams where I am chased by a lion, a snake and even a tsunami!(I have serious plans of teaching myself dream readings soon)But I woke up not any better and I moaned and groaned (My pain threshold being very low!)As the day progressed I felt a little able to pull myself up and nod my head about like a newly sprouted plant.

The lethargy which had enveloped me either due to the medicine or my body pushed me into bed and I lay there thinking about the uncertainties that are waiting to pounce at us round the corner.Here I was all gung-ho about how well I was feeling loving every moment of my new life and bragging about it to anyone and everyone who was willing to listen!and the next moment I was down in the dumps reflecting and contemplating on life!

Added to this the newspaper never lets us be happy anyway-making it a point to headline all that is going wrong in the world (When was the last time you had a lovely happy headline?)I watched old Hindi film songs(Black and white ones) and showed off my knowledge to Junu about the actors and the actresses, loved every moment of it -appreciated the lyrics and the lack of musical instruments but the richness of music in them but….. (put it down to my depressed state of mind) But all these people were dead- all these beautiful people were dead! Oh my God! What was the use of loving, hating or doing anything it will be all over in a few years!
I cried myself to sleep.

The day after I was still down but I had woken early and I sat in the balcony having my tea and looking at the deserted roads and looking at the sea crashing on the rocks-reflecting the state of my mind. Suddenly I felt a nip on my toe and I looked down to see a line of ants picking up the crumbs of the cookie I had been eating and in my pain I almost killed the little nipper but I desisted- It was the universe teaching me a lesson- A little ant dragging the huge cookie crumb not for himself for someone else and fighting his way through each obstacle not even scared of a giant like me. Not worried about life or death just living life to the fullest.

The Universe has a plan for all of us. Life is a gift; let us enjoy it, for time is very relative, in fact if we re-size ourselves to be relative to everything, then only the goodness remains and the sun rises everyday to dispel any darkness and the rain clears all clogged minds and the supreme power smiles with benevolence.

Accept that life is an amazing transition which has to experienced and appreciated with all its blacks, whites and the wonderful rainbow colors. So ENJOY!

The sea is all blue and green today. Not very peaceful, rather it is feisty and a little angry but enchanting nevertheless. The sound of the tram and the general traffic noise drowns its roar but  one still can hear it’s sound echoing in the recess of the mind.

Yesterday was Bharat bandh; got to know of it from all the statuses on Face book! Heard and saw arguments for and against the whole episode. Detached- SO very unpatriotic! Wonder at the colossal waste of time, sound bytes and the economic set backs such an episode is responsible.Wonder at the group of intelligent individuals who believe in such episodes. Wonder at the number of people who starved because they did not get their daily bread.

It’s time to stop being a Alice in wonderland and redefine priorities.Its time to stop sitting back and blaming all and everyone being responsible except “You know who!” It’s time to pull up those fashionable ankle socks and look at the what the mirror is saying.

Pages written on the beauty that is our country; the only country which if imagination permits, looks like a human being. Its head is constantly battered; both its hand are bandaged; its chest- bloody and bruised and sometimes it receives a kick on the shin!

Its time to stop applauding the spirit of being a rubber band which jumps back to its form. Its time to take stock before the rubber band loses its elasticity and we lie limp, dejected and fore lone!

“What can I do?” echoes the cavernous mind, “What can be done?” is the answer to this question.

Questions, wonders and answers?

Like I have mentioned earlier I am living in a kind of personal Eden.Yesterday our family decided to search for dance classes for a bored teenager who is spending too much time chatting on facebook! This leads to a lot of complications which I will talk about later.

We were given two references for this and as we had no idea where these were (We still haven’t learnt how to pronounce the names!) we were totally dependent on Amin (let me introduce you to our driver)to take us to these places.

My worse half decided we would go at two in the afternoon (my nap time is normally from three to four) arguing that we would be back before that. Anyway the lord and master prevailed and we went forward in our quest.

Amin has wonderful driving skills- he can turn a huge car into any tiny space; he finds or roars into any small gap in the traffic! After a lot of such exhibition we finally reached the first destination. The sign board was there on a street corner but no arrows so we meandered in and out of a few buildings and then with my very strange accent we managed to find the place.

A lovely carved and closed door greeted us and we were favourably impressed. We rang the bell and were met by a young lady with an inquiring look I smiled the smile that I use here on a regular basis and stepped in followed by the family. There was a middle aged lady at the reception desk who fortunately spoke English. She hastened to tell us that she was the owner and the girl was the receptionist and we looked suitably impressed.We then got the information we needed, deciding we would come on Monday to decide which dance she would take up.

The Lady realized we were Indian and as we began to leave she mentioned how she has been wanting to go there for years and how her son who has been there a number of times calls it “Heaven on earth” and I flattered her back saying that we found Alex “The heaven on Earth” she nodded her head sadly and said that “You should have come here ten years ago then you would see how it has changed- a city filled with Villas is filled with ugly concrete high rises” As I bid goodbye to her I thought- isn’t that every city’s tale?

We decided that this place would be good for the teenager as it was close to our house and the lady was sweet! (the teenager herself didn’t look too enthusiastic though!)But there was no harm in looking at the other one. So we drove on with Amin at the helm executing the narrow lanes and curves with a talent reserved exclusively for Egyptians.

There were no boards to advertise the second place. We looked at the dilapidated building with the huge doorway with trepidation and as it was past my nap time with a huge yawn from me.We saw a non functional lift from the bygone eras looking forlornly at us. I said ” lets go back!”, so did the teenager but worse half was still in an adventurous mood so he asked an old man where this dance place was with a lot of broken English and gesticulations and we gathered that it was on the second floor and the lift was not working. Here I must remind you that it was an old old building where the roof of each floor was almost twenty feet high so to climb to second floor is equal to climbing four! After the first floor I stopped for breath but now father – daughter were all agog to see what and where this was.I wrinkled up my nose at the dusty steps and the crumpled plastic and paper, hesitated and then trudged up after them.At last we entered the hallowed portals (It looked like the convent school I studied in when I was in first standard!)

After the normal hand gesticulation we were introduced to the Frenchman who ran the establishment and he gave us a small lecture on modern dance though he taught ballet. He gave individual attention to the young lady (Clever business man!), introduced us to the young dance instructor (who also made it a point to speak to the budding teenager!), dropped a number of Indian names and invited us to stay back and witness one of the classes before we decided. Though we declined to do so, all three of us in our own ways were impressed in spite of the outside ambiance. We left promising to be there next Saturday and armed with a programme for modern dance show at the Opera house in Alex.

The bored look was still there but I could see the glimmer of interest on the visage of the prosecuted adolescent. We traipsed down the steep stairs with a comment that it would be good for weight management. I will wait for next Saturday to know whether the Frenchman got the kill or not but definitely I learnt that we should always try the unknown it could lead us to the proverbial pot of gold.

I have always been a lover of mountains, maybe because genetically I belong to it. I have never been overly fond of the sea. I do like looking at it, but that’s it!

I have hated the sand getting into my eyes and shoes; the amount of cleaning one has to do after you come back from a swim in the sea has always put me off.

Its been two months now that I have been living by the Mediterranean and though I still don’t like the sand, I love the sea! I hold every moment precious when I just gaze at the changing colors of the sea and get absolute peace. Nothing else matters, now it is just the beauty and the vastness that takes my breath away.You know everything has a time and place and this is my time and place!

Everyday is a new experience for me, the language, the culture and the divine weather has helped me not miss my country too much.I am taking each day as it comes and trying to cram in as much into my 24 hours as I can. (I still take my mid afternoon nap though:))

As I write this I am looking at the sea which is deep blue;light blue; green and turquoise and oh so many shades which I had never noticed in the seas before.

Life teaches you to be so inconsistent! Here is a lover of mountains half in love with the sea.

A face pleading, hands full of …..something. The usual scene at a red light stop.

I ignored the gesticulating hands and eyes from inside the air conditioned comforts of the car with a negated smile.

Plop! the 10 by 3 inches fliers(?) were put down on the window shield.I shook myself out of my reverie and vigorously shook my head.

Apparently the hand gave up-he picked up the papers and started moving up. A few were left and I noticed that they were not fliers- they were lottery tickets.

Junu lowered the window and yelled “Hey! Take them back!”

The fellow was back now at Junu’s side of the car!

“Seth!”,the young man said,”today Lakshmi wants to come to you, take these – 5 for Rs 100″
I protested in vain….
the tickets exchanged hands….
“What is your name?” Junu asked

“Seth.. my name is Amjad… take my number its 97567827” and he vanished into the milling crowd.

Lakshmi! and “Amjad”

It happens only in India

The pre-monsoon heat refused to dry out my enthusiasm and we set out on one of our innumerable road trips.Can you imagine the wonderful feeling of being packed and set to go -somewhere… the main pleasure being the road (Or the process) rather than the ultimate destination.Its almost like the chocolate oozing out of a freshly bitten eclair!

I have seen almost all of India through road trips. I think I was a little girl when these trips started and now I continue to luxuriate in them. The excitement and pleasure have not diminished over the years. The call of the unknown has always been strong in my blood and this draws me year after year to move in radial direction to the place I am currently living in.This is almost like a hereditary disease, which I think, I have passed on to my children! We get a little itchy if there have been no trips for a long period of time.

So here we were the four of us packed with nothing but a few change of clothes and the credit card. As usual we drove towards the mountains (remember I am searching for the hut on the mountains!)We started early so we managed to beat the Mumbai traffic and went on to the highway within an hour! The open blue grey tarred roads, the freshly painted dividers the far away purple mountains all beckoned like a Siren’s song.

The journey with its usual sulks in the back seat;the road side cutting chai;the vada-pao; the small snoozes was delicious!Everything felt good and tasted wonderful. The fresh mountain air, the winding ghat roads, the greenery and the sounds of nature gave all of us a boost-up which we were direly in need of.

I did find a hut on the mountain- a little space in all eternity to savour and enjoy. My quest continues to find my ultimate space in this world before its time for me to join the ultimate!

I realised what a powerful tool the mind is. For the last 8 to 9 months I had been moaning and groaning and blaming everything, everyone and myself for the state I was in. Believe me physically I was in great pain! Mind never worked! It had buried itself in a vast quagmire of self pity. I even started planning out the division of my jewelery between my two children!It was that bad. The usual round of hospitals and doctors did yield a few problems and I was given a million solution. Then I came across this book called “The Secret” which I read with a lot of reluctance (I normally don’t believe in things that I term as “Gyan”) But I in such dire straits that I was like a drowning man clutching at a straw! so I read it, was made to listen to it and even watched the video based on it.

I think everyone who is going through any crisis (The young life, the mid-life or the old-life crisis) should read it. It has something for everyone. The ultimate choice is yours. That is you choose to pick up what you want. It was this freedom of choice that lured me into it. Its simple language was another attraction. It does promise you a lot of things which may not come true, but your basic problems do get solved. Maybe if I had followed the nitty gritties, everything would come out positive.

For the present I am happy that most of my physical problems are all solved. My mind has come out from the hell it was in and is growing freely in a world of sunlight and fresh air. I think it was Marlowe who made Faust say”There is no heaven or hell, it is all in our mind” ( I am not sure as to its accuracy) but that is what I experienced in these last few months!
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This was written more than twenty years back but I think unconsciously I had realised the strength of the mind. it took me so long to realize this consciously!

Years ago when I was in college I studied a play by Samuel Beckett “Waiting for Godot”. I remember I was fascinated by it, which was strange cause I was still in my teens and teens normally do not have the patience to go through this very slow play! But I identified with this in every aspect of my life- from waiting at the bus stop to waiting for my exam results!

In the intervening years I was too busy, first studying then bringing up a family to ever think of this play.I think I did mention it to my students while teaching them but I never went into any detail. Though that period too had its waiting periods I was most of the time multi-tasking so I did not really go through the agony of waiting.

Now I can hardly say that I am busy (Ironic cause I live in a city which is always on the go!) I am back to basics so to say! I get up and I am waiting to send everyone off (Meaning husband and child) then waiting for the maid then waiting for some new games to play on the computer, then waiting for the child to come back and so on and so forth. The waiting game never ends!

Suddenly I realised, like the tramps in the play, I am waiting for some intangible desire to be fulfilled. I know I am waiting for something to happen but what that “something” is , is a mystery. The lethargy that had enveloped me for the last three years is slowly unraveling and maybe when this mist is cleared I will know what is it that my heart desires. Till then I am “waiting”. I know many of us go through this and prefer to either ignore or negate it but that’s not a solution.

Well my first positive towards this is to make a time table (as I used to during my student days) and have a series of occupation to fill my day. It could as inane as doing puja, but its an activity which gives me satisfaction and pleasure or something which is physical like doing 30 minutes on the tread mill which is equally satisfying. I realised that now instead of waiting for things to happen, I am looking forward to my next activity and this reduces the emotional and psychological ennui that I was going through.

Hope this helps those who read it and give me further tips to get out of the pit (that I had myself dug!) as soon as possible.

The other day as I was driving down to my favourite shopping place, as is the wont in Mumbai I was stuck in the traffic at the signals. As usual there were people knocking on the window, tap tapping selling me anything from car mobile chargers to agarbatis to Alphonso mangoes! And as usual I avoided their eyes and looked down at my idle hands.

There was a water tanker ahead of my car – a derelict excuse of a truck with a huge tank filled with water behind. It had two huge taps at the bottom of the tanker.( I am sure you all know what I am talking about). I could see people sleeping in the gap in the divider with a sheet to keep out the sunlight at one place and at another I saw a mother cooking on the pavement with a baby on her lap and lots of similar pictures of poverty that dot this city of dreams. I felt sorry, sympathized and turned my thoughts elsewhere ( I consoled myself by saying what can I do????).

Suddenly I saw a young girl- must have been eighteen or nineteen- dressed in a faded yellow salwar kameez and carrying two Jerry cans come right in front of my car. she nonchalantly opened one of the taps and filled the cans and walked back on the hot pavement to wherever she had come from! The driver did not know and neither would the people who bought the tanker of water would know, so what did it matter that this young girl got her water easily. There were many who would have seen her but no one bothered to reprimand her (neither did I, though I was the closest!) But I wondered whether this street smartness would land her in a soup later. The traffic resumed its snail pace and she slowly vanished out of my sight along with the tanker.

I don’t know what she looked like. I doubt if I would recognize her if I saw her again! But what I know is She remains etched in my mind as the ultimate symbol of survival in the city!

As a child I would love to be alone, play with my dolls or build mud houses, I don’t remember having played with anyone till I was eight or nine!Even then it was with my sister’s friends, but than I made my first friend,(I felt thrilled!) her name was Molly and she was one year senior to me at school. We bonded mainly because we went swimming together. I don’t remember what we talked about but I do remember that we used to hold hands and walk all over the club where both our parents were members. She was the one who egged me to develop my interest in books. She was an only child, so her bedroom was a kids delight, full of foreign toys and Enid Blyton books!She made me borrow books from the library. At first I did it to please her and to feel as grown up as my father or sister(Who always pretended to be grown up from the moment she was born!) but than slowly I got addicted to them. I went through all the Enid Blyton’s at a rapid pace varied my menu to Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Three investigators and the usual fare, children those days used to devour. We parted ways when I was in sixth and I lost touch with her, now I wonder what happened to Molly? I don’t even remember her surname!

My love affair with books continued and I went on to do literature and enjoyed every moment of my five years at the University. But those five years were serious years. I strictly forbade myself unconsciously to read any ‘non-classic’ books ( I know now, I lost out on a lot of good reading!) But this was the time I became a thinking reader rather than a pleasure loving one and the training helped me to appreciate books at another level and gave me much more satisfaction and insight than before. It made me more critical too. I realised then that I had slowly become critical of everything, not only books, I felt I had the power and the strength to criticize without doing any internal assessment of myself. Oh! well that is the pride of the youth ! I forgive myself now for it and I forgive a lot of other young people around me
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These days I am re-reading books that I read in my youth and childhood (even the Enid Blytons) Believe me, though I finish them much faster than before, I appreciate them two folds!Thankfully I have a family of book lovers so that when we get transferred from place to place, though there is a lot of stuff thrown away, no one even suggests that the old yellowing best friends are ever given away! I hope they last till my days on earth come to an end and are cherished by others.

I haven’t been able to get certain books that I would love to get ( I dare not mention their names for the fear of being laughed at!) So I tried reading e-books….. But the pleasure of lying on your stomach with your legs bent at the knees and up, with a packet of chips or a plate of sandwich is not there. The smell of the freshly printed pages or the musty smell of old pages is not there to tantalize the nostrils! It is no fun to move the mouse when you can use your fingers to flip the next page. But life moves on and the new generation may never know the real pleasure of a paper back but they would have created their new pleasures and who knows their degree of pleasure may be more than ours!

But those who read this please take the time to give me your experiences of reading as feedback so that I believe that I am Normal and not experiencing the feelings of a loner that I was.